Handicapping

Today is the one-day anniversary of this blog. Actually, anniversary is incorrect since it hasn’t been a year, but nevertheless I’m celebrating the birthday of this blog. This blog was born yesterday in response to Mark Cuban’s open invitation for bloggers to apply for locker room access to the Dallas Mavericks. And so to celebrate our birthday, let’s handicap our competition for blogger locker room access. To make it more fun, we’ll break them down based on crappy musical references.

Milli Vanilli. So named because they seem to have a very superficial desire/experience to be a blogger. Most of these “bloggers” don’t have blogs and are just rabid Mavericks fan who drool at the notion of seeing their favorite basketball player naked. Odds 25 to 1.

Spice Girls. These are the “Wannabe(s).” (You know you’re singing that song in your head right now. If you wanna be my lover…). These bloggers want to be journalists, but instead of opening the door to a future career with hard hitting stories, they’re hoping that writing what is essentially an email to everyone about really tall guys who have just showered is going to create opportunities. Don’t they know that today’s journalist just makes up stories and facts? They can be identified by dropping portions of their resume in their blog. Odds 10 to 1.

Marilyn Manson. These guys are just scary. Some say they want locker room access to take pictures. Others say they plan on posting a lot of pictures. Hmmm, maybe a locker room where grown men shower, change clothes, and sit around naked or half-naked isn’t exactly the place brag about wanting to take pictures. I shudder to think of why they think they need locker room access for their “photojournalism.” I guess they’re hoping for their big break into Playgirl. Odds 100 to 1.

The Jackson Five. In his blog, Cuban asked for 8th graders and also referenced allowing a 13 year old to write about the Mavericks. It sounds like he’d love to place a pre-pubescent prodigy in the locker room. He’d love the upstart to actually do a better job than the professional bloggers. The problem here is that Cuban will need to check birth certificates, because real 8th graders don’t typically use words like “insinuate.” You’ll get guys that look older than Greg Oden saying that they’re in the 8th grade just to get into the locker room. Still, I think the real 8th graders have an excellent chance of being accepted. Odds 2 to 1.

Britney Spears. These are fans of the Mavs who as a fan, somehow feel that it’s their team and that they know more than the so-called experts. They’re separated from the Milli Vanilli’s in that they actually plan on bringing something to the table. These people are delusional and believe that they actually have talent, and that someone actually cares about what they think. Of course they really don’t have talent or any significant basketball experience validating their opinions, but it would be worth it allow them into the locker room, and much like Britney, after they’ve made it, they’ll spiral out of control, shave their heads, and show up pantyless until they get sent to Parkland’s psych ward. These guys probably have a good chance of making it in, just so that Cuban can show that he’s “not discriminating.” Odds 5 to 1.

So, it’ll be interesting to see who makes Cuban’s cut. If I’m right it’ll be a mix of the pre-pubescent, the panty-less, and the penniless college students. Yeah, I’m sure the Mavs players are looking forward to this.